Ten things may happen if you get old

If you turn on your television today you’ll see ads for gazillions of age defying products. You’ll be pitched to buy lotions that erase wrinkles and procedures to lift your neck, your tummy or your fanny. A billion dollar business keeps your hair from looking grey. On TV you’ll watch ads for pills to enable older men to be sexually active, whenever the “mood strikes, anytime, anywhere.”

Okay so let’s say some person buys every age defying product on television, there’s just some things about aging that can’t be avoided. If you get old these ten things may happen to you:

1. Half awake you brush your teeth with shaving cr me. Tastes awful. Aaaagh.

2. You try to raise the head of your select comfort bed with the Direct TV remote.

3. You back up your car without first looking into the rear view mirror. Watch out flowerbeds,watch out mailbox. Cats, dogs and people scatter in your path.

4. At King Soopers you try to slide your Safeway card through the scanner. Instead of saying “Welcome Loyal Customer,” it reads “Hello traitor!”

5. While still at the checkout counter you insert your credit card into the chip scanner at the bottom. You are not wearing your glasses and don’t see” DO NOT REMOVE CARD.” You yank out your card and feel like an idiot. Technology yech!

6.In a poorly lit closet you dress in a black outfit. Once you get outside you notice you are covered with cat hair. You don’t have time to change so you just smile, say “Meow” and go to the library.

7. At the library you scan your books with your Regal card. When you leave you set off the buzzer, and instead of going back you hurry into your car.

8. On a one way street you drive the wrong way and see cars coming toward you and honking. You wave and keep driving.

9. Just for the heck of it, in one day you adopt three dogs.

10. You start working on your taxes and on the Turner Classic Movie station you look up from your accounting. James Cagney is playing a convict who has become a dentist. He says, “You’re lying through your teeth. Or at least some of your teeth.” You think he means you.

The above mentioned things may happen if you get older –; even if you do everything to defy the appearance of aging. Just have a laugh at yourself and get out there and have some fun. Life is for the living.

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